32. A look back at the journey thus far…

I recently reread a post from one of my very first blogging attempts (a joint effort between my bff Jane and I that never really got off the ground). I wanted to re-post it here because (although the end is a bit melodramatic) it helped me reflect on how much my life has changed in the past three years.

The toughest lessons so far…

Posted on June 9, 2010 by Edith

I’d like to think I’ve learned something about relationships in the last 24 (almost 25) years. I’d like to think that I’ve absorbed enough information to prevent repeating my mistakes. Yet, here I am: sleepless and listening to Elliot Smith on repeat.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

I have found that this quote (whomever it may belong to) to be truest when involving romance. Friendships are relatively easily repaired and it is not strange cycle through levels of involvement. However, relationships tend to have an expected level of intimacy and so it seems impossible to repair whatever ground is lost. When trust is lost and there isn’t a strong enough foundation to rebuild upon, it is easier to cut your losses and walk away. Usually whatever repairs can be made aren’t enough to build on anyways.

Sometimes it hurts too much to fix the un-fixable.

So what are you supposed to do when you remove that source of pain? Some say that distraction allows you to focus on your own needs until the problem fixes itself. Some say wallowing in the void allows you to fully appreciate what needs you do have and where you can best help yourself.

I’m on a mission, dear readers. I’m on a mission to figure out where heartache ends and recovery begins. Any suggestions you might have are welcome.

At that point I had recently ended a long term relationship with someone who was a nice guy but wasn’t the right guy.  Quite frankly, we were a terrible fit and had been actively trying to ignore our discomfort for the past five years. The dam finally broke one day about two months before this entry was written and I found myself without the safety net that I had clung to so desperately for so long. I’m glad I made that leap into a new life, though, because without it I would never be where I am today.

2. Things that inspire me

I’ve been going through somewhat of a creativity drought lately. I’ve recently been able to get back into the place where I can appreciate other people’s expressions of creativity, but I haven’t completely gotten to the place where I can make my own. I’ve been able to randomly stumble upon moments of inspiration, but it has been a long time since I’ve had one of those I’ve-gotta-get-it-done type of visions. You know, the projects that pop into your head and rattle around until they’re fully formed and you can spit them out in one or two sittings?

Lately my head has been filled mostly of numbers and facts and maps and worry. I’ve been arguing both sides of the To Move To Texas or Not debate and quite frankly it has been exhausting. I’m torn between two things that I love and there’s no easy decision on this. Add going to school and constantly looking for a job on top of that inner turmoil and you’ve got an overworked brain and sucked-dry soul. That’s why I started this blog… I need something that will force me to focus on things that I love to do: create things, decorate, fashion, and so much more. I don’t want to lose that part of me like I have so many times before when life has become overwhelming.

So what do I find inspiring?

Strong women and men, bright colors, pictures of things I don’t want to forget, movies that make me happy or sad (or both), books that have characters that I fall in love with, flowers, and the things and people that make me feel like home.

I did make some earrings the other night. They weren’t much, and I’m not totally in love with any of them, but it is a start.