I recently reread a post from one of my very first blogging attempts (a joint effort between my bff Jane and I that never really got off the ground). I wanted to re-post it here because (although the end is a bit melodramatic) it helped me reflect on how much my life has changed in the past three years.
The toughest lessons so far…
Posted on June 9, 2010 by Edith
I’d like to think I’ve learned something about relationships in the last 24 (almost 25) years. I’d like to think that I’ve absorbed enough information to prevent repeating my mistakes. Yet, here I am: sleepless and listening to Elliot Smith on repeat.
Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown
I have found that this quote (whomever it may belong to) to be truest when involving romance. Friendships are relatively easily repaired and it is not strange cycle through levels of involvement. However, relationships tend to have an expected level of intimacy and so it seems impossible to repair whatever ground is lost. When trust is lost and there isn’t a strong enough foundation to rebuild upon, it is easier to cut your losses and walk away. Usually whatever repairs can be made aren’t enough to build on anyways.
Sometimes it hurts too much to fix the un-fixable.
So what are you supposed to do when you remove that source of pain? Some say that distraction allows you to focus on your own needs until the problem fixes itself. Some say wallowing in the void allows you to fully appreciate what needs you do have and where you can best help yourself.
I’m on a mission, dear readers. I’m on a mission to figure out where heartache ends and recovery begins. Any suggestions you might have are welcome.
At that point I had recently ended a long term relationship with someone who was a nice guy but wasn’t the right guy. Quite frankly, we were a terrible fit and had been actively trying to ignore our discomfort for the past five years. The dam finally broke one day about two months before this entry was written and I found myself without the safety net that I had clung to so desperately for so long. I’m glad I made that leap into a new life, though, because without it I would never be where I am today.
Well, hello again.
It seems that I allowed my hectic life to sit on and smother what little time I had devoted to this blog. Sorry about that. I know, you were probably panicked; wondering if I’d ever resurface. I’m sure you spend every waking hour rereading my past posts trying to find some sense of pattern that would predict when I would decide to return. More likely, the four people that actually read this are also friends with me on Facebook (as well as in real life) and already know exactly how the last 9 months have gone.
Let me sum it up for anyone that hasn’t been following along through other outlets:
- Started a Pintrest (isn’t is amazing?)
- Married Mr. Z in one of my favorite spots in all the land and spent our honeymoon in glorious Chicago
- Bought a house and moved into it the night we returned from the honeymoon
- Started a new job at the University I’ve been taking classes through the day after we moved into the house
- Became pregnant sometime between starting the new job and the week of Thanksgiving (which is when I did the actual pee-stick-test)
- Adopted two more doggies within all that mess which means I am now outnumbered by men at a 4:1 ratio
- Oh yeah, and I was still taking two classes in my Master’s program
Phew. I have had a wonderfully exciting, chaotic, stimulating, and overwhelming last few months or so. The fact is, I’m really ready for a big dose of boredom. Especially considering the upcoming addition to our mostly-furry family, I feel the need to soak up any and all moments of relaxation and calm.
Luckily, my new job is nothing if not calm. I’ve found myself in the midst of one of the more serene environments that I’ve ever experienced. Yes, we still get crazy days where there never seem to be enough people or hands, but the people I work with are just calm. It is a very nice change of pace that will hopefully allow me to get back on the wagon with this project. For all the changes that have occurred, I’m still seeking out my original desire: a focus on the things that embody my true sense of self.
I have wanted to live on my own since July 1990. What happened at that time in my life to spur this need for independence? I went from the blissful existence of a jet-setting only child to taking on the role and responsibilities of big sisterhood. Since then I’ve not only gained a little brother but an appreciation of the individuals my siblings have grown into and formed what I’d like to think are strong relationships with them. I’ve grown up (to use the term loosely), moved out of my parent’s house, lived in dorms, lived with friends, lived with boyfriends, and even lived like a squatter in friends’ apartments for a few months. The need for a home to call my own has never disappeared though and so this year when I chose to move across the state to go to school, the planets finally seemed to align in such a way that I would be able to live on my own.
In a flurry of excitement I spent the entire summer planning my new apartment. I picked out wall colors, accessories, layouts. I scoured craigslist for furniture to call my own. I occupied my every free moment with plans for this apartment; plans that had been 20 years coming.
Now, a month and a half after moving in, I’ve completed about half of my interior designing tasks. My bedroom is put together for the most part and the living room will be able to be finished once I finally paint the walls. All in all, a lot of progress has been made toward my goal of The Ideal Apartment. Something I hadn’t planned on: I hate living by myself.
As it turns out, growing up as the oldest kid of three means that you get used to never having to entertain yourself. I’m not entirely sure how to handle this as I have at least 6 more months left on my lease, so I’ve decided to entertain myself by writing up a list of pros and cons in regard to my living alone.
- Peeing with the door open — It is a lot more liberating than you’d think.
- Total control of any and all decisions concerning decor because there’s no one to tell you that a hot pink plaid couch is ugly.
- When I put food in the fridge, it doesn’t disappear until I eat it.
- Speaking of food, I can eat whatever I want for any meal. Cheese and crackers for breakfast? Surely! Cottage cheese and green peas for dinner? Sounds both delicious and nutritious! Chocolate? Appropriate day or night and for any occasion!
- If you want to drink wine at seemingly inappropriate times of the day, there is no one there to judge you.
- No one takes the remote from you to watch something totally boring because you have supposedly been “hogging the tv”. (Sidenote: It shouldn’t be known as hogging if what you’re watching is enjoyable for everyone.)
- Cooking for one is a lot less exciting than cooking for more than one.
- No one is there to laugh with you at any of the great reality TV programming out there right now.
- It is now dangerous to bake anything delicious or bring junk food into the house because you will end up eating all of it. ALL OF IT.
- If you want to drink wine at seemingly inappropriate times of the day, there is no one there to pour you refills.
- There’s no one to play Super Mario Bros with on the Wii. (Being by myself, though, means I can name the Wii, Wiidith. Heehee.)
- The independence that I thought I would enjoy just means that I have to do everything alone. As counter-intuitive as it may seem to say something like this since I’m trying to get people to read a blog I’m writing, but I am really, really boring by myself.
Basically, I focused a little too much on paint chips and furniture that may be described by others as “ugly”. I should’ve probably realized that my friends and family are huge parts of my life. I was blinded by the mini paper lanterns!
It only took me like 20 minutes to write this entry so now I find myself back at square one. Sigh.
I’ve been going through somewhat of a creativity drought lately. I’ve recently been able to get back into the place where I can appreciate other people’s expressions of creativity, but I haven’t completely gotten to the place where I can make my own. I’ve been able to randomly stumble upon moments of inspiration, but it has been a long time since I’ve had one of those I’ve-gotta-get-it-done type of visions. You know, the projects that pop into your head and rattle around until they’re fully formed and you can spit them out in one or two sittings?
Lately my head has been filled mostly of numbers and facts and maps and worry. I’ve been arguing both sides of the To Move To Texas or Not debate and quite frankly it has been exhausting. I’m torn between two things that I love and there’s no easy decision on this. Add going to school and constantly looking for a job on top of that inner turmoil and you’ve got an overworked brain and sucked-dry soul. That’s why I started this blog… I need something that will force me to focus on things that I love to do: create things, decorate, fashion, and so much more. I don’t want to lose that part of me like I have so many times before when life has become overwhelming.
So what do I find inspiring?
Strong women and men, bright colors, pictures of things I don’t want to forget, movies that make me happy or sad (or both), books that have characters that I fall in love with, flowers, and the things and people that make me feel like home.
I did make some earrings the other night. They weren’t much, and I’m not totally in love with any of them, but it is a start.
I started this blog because my life has become a little too chaotic lately. I need structure and I need a simple project that can be a motivator for me to complete other projects. This blog gives me something to be accountable to because writing things down always helps.
So who am I?
My name is Edith. I’m 25 years old. I live in Michigan and am currently taking classes to prepare for entry into a Masters of Public Administration program. I’m in the early stages of a long distance relationship with the man of my dreams. I have a wide range of interests and so I’m hoping I can have enough interesting content to at least make this something I would want to reread someday down the road.